The Vampire Wears Prada
by Jaliceforever
Summary: On a shopping trip, Alice discovers that the Cullens money has run out, thanks to Emmett's excessive gambling problem. So Carlisle comes up with the perfect solution to get the money back... Rated T for language,
1. ThisIsNotGood

**A/N: Hey everyone! Here's the brand new story. Hope you like and please remember to review.**

**This is dedicated to everyone who loves to shop as much as Alice!**

**Yes, I'm secretly Stephenie Meyer and yes I own Twilight. Not.**

Alice POV

I mean, I love my sister and everything but this is getting beyond a joke. "Rosalie, come on! There's a Gucci dress out there with my name on it and there is no way I am gonna miss out on it because I'm waiting for you to stick your eyelashes on and stuff your bra!" I hissed up the stairs.

"You're buying a dress with your name on it? That's pretty sad Alice," Emmett said, shaking his head at me. Sometimes I really wondered about his level of intelligence. Mike Newton probably had more brain cells than him and that was _really _saying something.

"It doesn't literally have my name on it, Emmett! It's just a figure of speech," I explained. He stared at me like I'd spoken in outer-Mongolian. Then he shrugged and slouched off towards the kitchen. Bless.

"Rosalie! I swear to god if you don't get your ass down the stairs in five seconds, I'll -!"

"Alright, alright!" She appeared on the landing dressed in her usual hooker type outfit; complete with a top at least two sizes too small and sauntered towards me. "Honestly Alice, perfection takes time!" she sighed, with an exasperated expression on her face.

"Yes Rose, but don't you think that taking five hours to get ready for a shopping trip is just a tad excessive?"

"Um, no. This is how long I usually take. Just because you don't have the right bone structure to pull it off!" She flicked her sweeping, golden hair at me and I was hit with a wave of cheap perfume.

"THAT IS WAY OUTTA LINE ROSALIE! HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY –" I was interrupted by an angel in cowboy boots.

"Er, guys hate to butt in like this, but there was this hat that I wanted to try on and those Armani jeans..."

"Coming Jasper! And you can wipe that grin off your face Rosalie Hale! Just because my husband wears hairspray and tight leather pants does NOT make him gay!"

Ah, I can honestly say there is nothing I like more than shopping. Well, expect when Jasper and I have alone time, which nowadays is a rare occasion. Watching him now, standing topless in the changing rooms, I know that there is no one more perfect and no one I would rather be with. He's simply my everything. And you know the best part? By some miracle, Jasper feels the same way about me too.

"What to do you think Alice?" he said in that beautiful southern accent of his. Jasper twirled on the spot, showing off the extremely fitted jeans he was trying on.

"You look gorgeous. As always," I sighed.

"Not as gorgeous as you," he replied, taking my hand in his and flashing his perfect teeth at me.

"Er, hate to interrupt the love-fest, but we said we'd meet Carlisle and Esme at three thirty outside starbucks. It's now four and starbucks is on the other side of the mall, so don't you think we'd better get a move on?"

Trust Rosalie to ruin the moment.

"Come on Alice. I don't think I'm gonna get these jeans. They're just a little too tight around the crotch area."

"Okay just let me buy these shoes and we can go." I speed-walked over to the checkout where I was met by an 'I'm-too-cool-for-this-shit' sort of cashier. Perfect.

She took the three pairs of shoes from me and turned her back to package them. I felt Jasper slide his fingers through mine. He'd finished getting dressed in his old clothes again. Shame.

"That will be $1,550 please," said the cashier, batting her fake eyelashes at Jasper.

I snarled. Jasper ever so casually stood on my foot and I handed over my credit card, smiling._ That_ _cashier had better watch it or she's going to lose more than just her job_ I thought to myself.

"Um, ma'am?" Urgh great, what does she want now?

"Yes?" I _tried _to sound polite.

"Er, this is rather embarrassing, but I'm afraid your credit card isn't working."

"What? Why?" This was the first time my credit card had ever not worked.

"Well, it appears that you have no funds left in your account." The stupid cashier looked rather smug now.

??????

"Okay... Rosalie, let me borrow your card."

"No way! Do you really think I'm going to let you borrow my money when all you've done today is insult me?" True, I had done nothing but insult her all day, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

"Firstly, it's not even your money, its Carlisle's, and secondly, I'll do your homework for three weeks if you let me."

"Fine!" She handed me the card. The bimbo-cashier swiped it.

"Um, I'm sorry, but this card isn't working either."

"What? Oh my god, someone's stolen all my money! Call 911!"

"Rosalie, calm down! I'm sure there's a logical explanation for this. Jasper, give me your card."

"Er, Alice, I don't have a card remember? Carlisle confiscated it when he found out I'd spent $3000 on Call of Duty games."

"Well do you have any money?"

"I don't like carrying around loose change. I could get mugged."

JESUS! YOU'RE A VAMPIRE!! WHAT'S THE WORST THAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IF SOMEONE TRIES TO MUG YOU?

"Rosalie?" I asked a last attempt to save myself from the embarrassment.

"Sorry Alice, I just spent my last fifty on some new lingerie from Ann Summers."

This could not be happening. It was like a nightmare. Never had I walked out of a shop empty handed. Oh my god! What was I going to do? I _needed _those shoes!!

"Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god!" I think I started hyperventilating, but it was hard to tell because the room seemed to be spinning.

"Alice, are you okay?" I heard Jasper say, but he seemed too far away, in the distance almost.

"Just get me the shoes Jazzy."

Everything went dark and I fell to the floor.

**A/N: Is Alice alright? Will she ever get the shoes? Whats happened to the Cullen's money? If you would like this story to continue, please review by pressing the nice big green button below. Alternatively, if bribe works for you, 5 lucky reviewers will be chosen at random and get a part in the story!!**

**Jaliceforever**

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	2. A solution?

**A/N: I'm gonna keep this short but sweet: **

**Here's chapter two! Enjoy!**

Carlisle POV

Where were they? Esme and I have been standing outside this ridiculous coffee shop for the past half hour and they still haven't shown up. It's not like Alice to be late for things... What if something's happened to them? Maybe I should go look for them...

"Darling, don't worry, they'll be here any minute. You know what Alice is like, she probably just got distracted by a handbag or something!" laughed Esme.

"You're right. I'm overreacting, I know. I can't help it; I love them like my own."

"Me too. But I'm sure they can take care of themselves, Carlisle. Okay, maybe not Emmett so much, but the rest of them seem sensible enough not to go looking for trouble."

Just then I saw Jasper in the distance. I breathed a sigh of relief which quickly turned into a gasp of horror as I saw what he was carrying. Alice's tiny limp body; white and fragile. I ran to them.

"Jasper! What happened?"

"Well, I'm not positive, but I think she fainted." Jasper's face was even whiter than usual.

"Lay her down on the bench." Luckily, I had my emergency first aid kit with me. It was an item I never left home without. I carefully examined Alice's body.

"Well, she breathing and her pupils aren't dilated so it looks like she just fainted. Do you know what caused this?" I turned to Rosalie.

"She was about to buy her shoes, but it turns out our bank accounts have been emptied. We have no money. We're poor!"

"Are you sure?" asked Esme.

"That's not possible. There was over $4,000,000 in all our combined bank accounts," I said.

"Well, apparently not anymore. They've been totally emptied out."

This made no sense. The bank accounts were the probably the securest bank accounts in the whole of the United States and Europe.

Jasper looked thoughtful. "Well, the only people who knew the pin codes were us. Who would steal the money?"

Bingo. We've found the culprit.

"Emmett," I sighed.

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"Sit down Emmett."

"Um... can I ask what this is about?"

"No."

"Because if it's about the public indecency thing, I swear to god I did not know that the beach wasn't a nudist colony."

"Emmett, be quiet!"

"Sorry Daddy."

"Now would you please like to tell me what you've done with all our money?" I asked him, circling the chair he was sitting on.

"What money? I don't know anything about any money. What are you talking about? I don't even have any money."

Convincing, really convincing. Looks like the good cop routine isn't working. Time to try the bad cop.

"Now, I really didn't want to do this, but I'm afraid that since you won't tell me what you've done with the money, I'm going to have to punish Mr Snuffles instead!"

"NO! Please don't! Anything but Mr Snuffles!"

"Um, Carlisle, you do know I could just tell you what he's done with the money?"

"Edward, go! I want a confession from him!"

"Okay, just trying to save you the trouble..."

"NOW!"

"Jeez, jeez, I'm gone."

"Where were we? Ah yes, I think I remember. Mr Snuffles..." I said, holding Emmett's beloved teddy bear above the candle.

"FINE! I'LL TELL YOU! JUST DON'T HURT HIM!"

"Thank you Emmett." I handed Mr Snuffles back to him.

"Okay well, when Rose and I went on honeymoon to Italy a couple of months back, I may have stumbled across Caius in a bar one night."

Dear god. "Yes..."

"And well, um I may have gone to a casino with him and..."

"Yes Emmett?"

"Well, I'm sorry Carlisle, but I used all of our money playing poker and blackjack with him and Marcus."

Great. Bloody fantastic.

"You spent $4,000,000 on poker games?"

"Well, not just that. I think that by the time we were done, I owed the Volturi a private jet, a Lamborghini and a packet of gum."

"Emmett! How could you? What are we supposed to do now? We have no money! And it's not like we can just go to Italy and ask the Volturi for the money back!" The very idea of asking the Volturi for anything made me laugh.

"Well, you have a job. Just earn the money back. Duh."

An idea struck me.

"Emmett, call a family meeting in the dining room in fifteen minutes! I'll be right back!"

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I looked around at my family. I didn't really want to do this to them, but it was important that they learnt the value of money.

"So, as you all know, Emmett spent all of our money gambling with the Volturi ."

"EMMETT!"

Whoops. My bad.

"Anyway, I have come up with an amazing idea to get the money back!"

"Let's hear it then!" Alice was fine now and was her normal, enthusiastic self again.

"I've just been to the job centre and signed you all up. In these envelopes are your job placements where you will be working for the next three weeks. Enjoy!"

"Hey, where are you and Esme going?" Rosalie asked.

"Oh didn't I tell you? We're going on a vacation to Esme's Island. See you in three weeks!"

**A/N: Ooooo, the Cullens have jobs, fun fun fun! Please review because 4 reviews is a really pathetic amount AND I updated the next day AND I might not have the incentive to write any more if no one reviews!**

**Jaliceforever**

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